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Added 2008-03-09 @ 12:09 a.m..
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Reading:
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Luke has been bothering me to let him read this. He always asks about it and whenever he hears me typing, he always assumes I am updating this and saying something bad about him. He just asked me if I was updating this. When I told him I was, he just got really sad. I don't want him reading this. I don't really want people I know in real life reading this. Honestly, I tell him what I write about...99% of the time. I need this place to vent. To keep my personal sanity. To keep my emotional health at a norm. I feel like he isn't giving me any space. It's like he wants to watch me 24 hours a day every day of the year. He always tries to find a way to get me cave in and let him read this, as it seems. I have explained to him (or at least tried to) that it's nothing personal and that I need somewhere seperate from us, I just need some where to vent and not feel completely crazy. Especially lately.
I miss being on stage. I miss playing my viola in a group. I miss drawing. I miss photography. I miss writing stories and poems. I used to draw all the time. Sure it was all anime and fan art, but it was still art, in my opinion. I used to love experimenting with photographs. I loved writing poems, even if they were depressing and dark. I suppose I stopped drawing and writing poetry because I tried to push myself and was unsuccessful. I stopped my experimentation with photography because, at UNC, they don't grant entrance to the dark room if you aren't an art major. I haven't played my viola in a group because I have no time and I'm too scared to audition. Everyone else seems so talented here. I'm not on stage anymore because, well, UNC's theatre program really doesn't give Theatre Education or Theatre Studies majors a chance. They only cast Musical Theatre or Acting majors, really. I only have one semester of an acting class under my belt, and it's all I get. I feel like I should have to take an acting class at least every school year. I mean, I'll be teaching my students how to act, so I should have refined my acting skills, right? UNC doesn't seem to think so. I complained to a professor of mine last semester who I thought would be empathetic since she is the co-head of the Theatre Education department. But she simply responded, "Well there's not enough room for all of you."
Hmm.
I think I'm going to draw again. And photograph again. I did a small project for my Creative Drama class last semester which I used photography as a symbol of my progress through the class. I got compliment after compliment from my peers. And I didn't use a digital camera. No sirree. I used a camera you actually have to use. One you have to adjust the shutter speed, the focus, and so forth. I want to start again.
I suppose I could share my work with those who read this. Well, I'll do things the easy way and just link what I have in an album. Clicky Clicky. I know it's not ground breaking and amazing, but it's what I like to do. I always hate those people you see on American Idol who are terrible singers and get rejected but still decide to push forward and still become a singer. That's why if I don't think I'm good at something, I don't push forward. If I'm told I'm bad, I stop. But I don't want to stop drawing or taking pictures...And I don't want to be like the people I hate on American Idol. I feel so conflicted. - Beckie
3.38 - And now he gets to read this after we fought over my diary. How pathetic is that? We FOUGHT about it.
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Last 5:
Prank or Scare Tactic? - 2008-05-06
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Update for those who have been wondering... - 2008-04-24
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