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Added 2008-04-22 @ 7:38 p.m..
Quote: "We only know of one duty, and that is to love." - Albert Camus
Reading: The Burgermeister's Daughter
Watching:
I need some advice. Stat. Zak is getting shipped out. Not entirely sure if I ever mentioned that, but if I haven't, well now you know. I'm far to lazy to check if I have. Luke didn't want me to talk to Zak even though he is leaving. I didn't listen and went ahead and talked to him. Last night, I got caught.
Luke was upset. I was upset. I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm being pulled in so many directions from real life friends. I'm at a loss.
Amid screaming and crying at each other, used tissues and anything I could get my hands on to throw strewn about, I felt lost. Zak has been my friend. Luke has been my lover. And I feel as though I am being forced to choose. I know what Zak wants me to do. I know what Luke wants me to do. I know what my friends want me to do.
I almost left Luke last night. I tried multiple times to get up and leave. But he held me down. I don't know where I would have gone. I've completely moved out of my dorm with Bianca. I suppose I could have gone to Katie's. I can't drive anywhere; my car has a flat. I just feel the need to run away from everyone.
Waking up today was the worst. The events of last night was too much for me to handle. I told Luke how suffocated I feel by him sometimes. I told Luke how I wasn't stupid and how I would never ever leave him for someone I really have no chance in hell with. Sure I had some emotional attachments to Zak; Sure they were somewhat rekindled. But I'm not stupid. I've learned before.
I might be deleting this diary. I'll get another one somewhere else. I won't use my real name, won't post pictures, or use a screen name I've ever used. I might tell some of my readers where I end up; I might not. I'm just stuck.
When I woke this morning, I saw what was left of last night. Puffy red eyes and self-inflicted bruises. A headache and exhaustion. Waking up at 5:30 A.M after a night like last night is far too difficult. Walking to the bathroom at 5:30 A.M to start a day after last night is far too difficult.
In the mean time, I've been keeping busy. When I told a couple of my co-workers, in short, the events of last night, I fought my best to hold back tears and then scurried off to make drinks. I didn't care when we had 100 middle school students come in and demand frappuccinos. I didn't care when we ran out of mocha in the middle of that obscene rush of Double Chocolate Chip Frappuccinos. I didn't care when their teachers and even the students themselves got upset that I wasn't going fast enough. I just didn't care. I usually talk back or get my revenge my means of sugar-free syrup, spit, or decaf. But I didn't. I just made the drinks and said 'thank you.'
Isn't that all I seem to be able to do? Say 'thank you.'
And so, I need advice. What the fuck does one do in this position? - Beckie
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Last 5:
I don't understand - 2008-05-13
Prank or Scare Tactic? - 2008-05-06
I hate finals. Thus far. - 2008-05-04
Decisions decisions. - 2008-05-02
So close! - 2008-04-28
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